two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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