Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
