3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I cannot find my penis.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
