Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
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