The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
