Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Me. At least after what I've been through.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
