I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
