that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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