I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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