Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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