I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Someone shattered a urinal.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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