Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
