I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
