i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
