I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Randomize
