it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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