And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
