im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
