hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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