i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I wish you could order shots online.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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