I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
