He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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