I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
