New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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