and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
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