youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
