either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
