Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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