I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Semen is not good for contacts.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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