Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize