Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
