she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
