I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
