Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize