I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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