The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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