I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
