Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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