mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
