i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
