the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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