oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
