I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
barbara walters just said penis...
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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