im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
