Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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