The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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