do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I love having hate sex.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
