I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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