I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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