I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
