I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
How does one acquire holy water?
Randomize
