Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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