You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
it's great music for shaving your balls
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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