Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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