shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
The Olympian is in my bed
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
