in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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