I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
