so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
