I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
